I overthink. I overthink a lot. But as much as I stay in my head, I never really examined my thoughts.But as I've explored and become more aware of my inner-conversation, I am starting to understand some of mine & your (yes, you) internal stress.
Lately, I've been observing myself "coach" myself in ways that lack grace, compassion, and kindness. Like after a relational or social blunder, the beratement is so real. The sequence of guilt, the analysis, and what I should do better...is exhausting. I would loathe motivating someone, by comparison, offensive speeches, and belittling, but yet, here I am, defeating the only person that was with me in my mama's womb and will be with me in the grave.
AND Y'ALLLLL...there is the body speak. Oh, my goodness - the body speak. I refuse to admit the bullying that I've done to this astonishing temple of mine. And to be honest, I know better - I know better spiritually, mentally, and scientifically. Moreover, when I'm being mindful, I am beyond grateful for this exact shell. But when no one is monitoring, I've been catching my inner voice turn wreckless fast.
SOAPBOX: And scientifically and biologically, I thoroughly understand that weight (numbers on the scale) doesn't equal health.
**SIDE NOTE: the best article I've read on weight vs. health is this one: Everything you know about obesity is wrong (thank you, mama & Ms. Vivian). I cannot recommend a read more.
To be honest, I don't have traumatically low-self esteem and so my inner-conversations never appeared to hinder me. And then there was the part of me that justified it: I mean we alllllll want to get better every day, don't we?
However, when I realized all of the negativity that I was creating within myself, I started moving from deficit thinking to bounty, from losing to gaining:
I don't want to lose weight, I want to gain health.
I don't want to lose stress, I want to gain peace.
And in this search to fill me up with positive, God-affirming thoughts - the Consciousness happened, I began to recognize the concern is not my self-esteem, but my stress levels. My intimate dialogue pointed to something very evident in my life...in all spaces of my life.
I RESIST EVERYTHING. I AM A FIGHTER. I AM A REBEL. I AM AN ADVOCATE. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS 'BETTER.'
And in some ways this is fine, but in others...it creates stress. Tons of stress.
Like first thing is first - what authority do I have to decide what is better? A lot of weight on one's shoulders, yes?
But the problem is that I do not accept things as they are. Now, when we talk about social justice - this feels like a blessing. However when we are discussing everyday unplanned moments ...it's stressful to "resist" them.
Allowing myself to accept the moment for what it is and perhaps even see the beauty in it has become an act of self-care and self-preservation. To look at my body and truly accept it. Like not just use "body accepting language" that covers up the motivation to "make it better, change it, hide its flaws." Accept that the "long-run" that I envisioned is a short run/walk. Or accepting that instead of an hour-long writing block, I am in traffic listening to the Spiderman soundtrack.
The way to stop the cycle of revolt, stress, negativity is to truly live a life of faith and trust. Trust that it is what it is supposed to be. Faith that all things work together for good. And if "it" needs changing, the Holy Spirit will plant the seed of elevation into my heart. And from everything that I've read, the Spirit's guidance - is kind, compassionate, gentle, good, soft, and aligned with Biblical truth. And so those negative thoughts are not "harmless motivation" - they are stress-producing, anxiety-creating nonsense. And I'm no longer resisting it all, I'm going with the FLOW.
Shalom, Friends.
Shelby