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The flow stays the same; the task matches my energy.

Here lately, my energy has been low. I feel like I am coming down from a marathon. I've never run a marathon, but I have friends who run them and have told me that adrenaline keeps them focused and steady throughout the run. Post-marathon is when the body and immune system crashes. This always made sense to me because when I used to be a long(er) distance runner, whenever I would increase my pace - as soon as I began to cool down, I'd feel intensely nauseous and sick for about 30-60 minutes.

I am not nauseous nor sick, but boy, I feel like I'm in between peace, withdrawal, joy, and low-energy/burnout. Then add the holidays & my birthday, where I typically encounter extreme emotions from the need to be with others and a part of the bustle and, on the other end, a deep desire for cozy solitude & reflection. It's a swinging pendulum that can create imbalance & confusion, and I am giving myself plenty of grace and mercy as I navigate and process all the transitions and emotions. I am giving myself time to feel balanced and steady.

And until that, I remain loyal to my daily rhythm, tweaking it gradually as I assess and observe my families' needs in the season. But only because I'm faithful to my rhythmic lifestyle doesn't mean the "blocks" look the same.

So, I honestly never miss my morning coffee, reading, studying, & prayer. On days that I pop out of bed, that looks like having a latte with my paper Bible, journal, highlighters/pens, and phone (my study plan). Low-energy days consist of stumbling downstairs, pouring my coffee with almond milk, slowly coming back upstairs - getting back in bed and reading on my phone under the covers - only peaking my head out to take a hot gulp of coffee. Post-work movement is the same - two days ago, I spent the whole time in Shavasana (rotating between laying flat on my back and the fetal position) - my only materials were my water bottle, four blankets, and my mat.

I am eager for one or three of those kick-butt days of years yonder: a complete devotion, a lengthy run, a dinner full of chopping, squeezing, simmering, and heat, along with a three-hour work block in the flow state, a stellar day teaching, and then later a game night with the fellahs... oh yeah, and a spotless home.

I'm pretty sure those days never existed in whole or only happened during the beginning of the pandemic shut-down* - indeed, they are probably a figment of my imagination or a glimmer of perfectionism peaking through...and slow living allows me to see that it's a mental trap. In this season, I doubt cutting access energy use by maintaining my flow and allowing for simple exchanges.

*my energy was next level during the first six months of the shut-down.

I am praying for the restoration of balance.


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