I found this writing in my old blog - I wrote it on Dec. 18, 2012. In 11 months, I would find out I was pregnant with Neiko. There is no more immense blessing in my life than documenting my days, whether in my pictures, journals, or blogs. I often need the reminder that there hasn't been a "perfect" season in my life, and there isn't "one" thing that creates an imbalance in my life.
I tend to be a "blamer" - I need someone or something outside of myself to blame when I am chaotic, troubled, or overwhelmed. Re-reading my writing is therapy because it gives me a mirror—a way to glimpse myself and my patterns and habits. Witnessing myself allows me to step out of the circular practice - end the blaming and then take steps to course correct. Funny enough, I am on vacation from teaching again - this time, it's Spring break. But I am feeling many of these feelings, yet there was a tinge of guilt surrounding the idea of a day of movies or doing "solely nothingness." I will examine that guilt and where it comes from, but until then, I sit in a quiet room with a massive cup of water, crushed cubes, and lime - fully aware and relaxed. Feeling autonomous and connected - and I must ask myself - for me...maybe (just maybe) this is the greatest freedom of all...
The Greatest Freedom of All
Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true. - Brian Tracy
I am doing well.
I am back in the space of wanting to crawl into a hole
and create...
I've been baking while music plays softly in the background...
But I need more...
During this break, I will have free time.
Time to think. Create. Appreciate. Read.
Time to enjoy romance. Time to be in my twenties.
Time to be just Shelby.
Who happens to love and be with Mike.
I am happy to have a moment to reflect on Christ.
Friendship. Family. Food. Love. Fashion. Passion. Faith.
I need this time...
Because as much as I feel like I am gaining so much
Perspective, purpose of life, and...fulfillment I also feel like I'm slipping... Slightly. Someone told me the other day that I try to be "Everything for too many people..." I get it. I get it completely. One day, I will not be able to take a break from being mommy, Caregiver, responsible adult... But I need to escape now... I need to be selfish with my Time, my energy, my life, my hubby I need to be completely free Free to sleep until noon Free to watch movies all afternoon Free to walk the streets of New York Free to experiment with my look Free to be crabby Free to BE OUT ALL NIGHT... Kiss on the couch Fall asleep in the living room Wear "that" outfit. Freedom to DO NOTHING. No Ms. Steel... Shelby I wanna feel that feeling again... STRINGLESS. The greatest freedom of all...
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. - The Buddha